A Passion

I am often asked a question that I could easily answer but nobody would believe. A question that has haunted me for as long as I could remember. As you would continue reading this, you probably would think of me as an arrogant bastard who shows off the little of that he knows. But I know that we all have felt that sense of not having something that you would have probably had if it weren't for certain circumstances. I just wanted to share and to express this feeling that I have had for a long time in writing.

Music has always been an influential part of my life, and I do think it will remain that way ‘til my last breath. Every time I listen to it, especially the ones that I think sounds beautiful, I get a feeling of ecstasy that would flow through me. I could sometimes feel goosebumps develop on my arm and I would remain in that suspended reality until the end of the piece. It is like a drug to me. Often times I would repeat and repeat that piece by whistling, humming, and sometimes even singing(when listening to songs with lyrics) even long after the end of the piece. I have always had this deep passion for music since my first memories.

But the sad thing is I could never really consider myself as a musician. Sure, I can play the guitar fairly well, know a bit of piano, know the basic rhythm of the drums, can learn a song by ear, and whatnot. But all of that means nothing. I have just a very small idea with regards to the most basic theories surrounding the realm of music, I have tremendous difficulty when trying to read notes, and I only know the very basic of terms. I have always been frustrated from that fact even up to now.

THE PIANO

It all began here, as I could remember one of my brothers sitting in front of our piano and sitting beside him was his piano teacher. I can't really tell if this was actual memory or a strange manifestation of my early childhood but I could remember annoying them in the middle of their lesson, maybe out of envy, or maybe it was just because I was a kid. I have three siblings by the way; two of them had formal piano lessons. I never really knew back then that I would have this "want" to play the piano in the future. One of my brothers taught me a little bit, he taught me how to play the do re mi, but that was all I could remember. My other brother did not have the interest to teach me at all, but still, I think he was the one who has contributed to me the most regarding playing the piano. Strange huh? More to that later.

When I was in elementary, I couldn't play with both hands, maybe it was because I never had the interest to try, I mean, I never found myself always in front of the piano anyway. That time I just limited myself only to listening to music and not to the actual playing of an instrument. I wasn't really interested in playing that much so why learn to play with both hands? It was in grade four that we finally had a music class. It was nothing really, just the very basic of music. The G-Clef, the F-Clef, the E G B D F, the F A C E, well you get the picture. We were also taught the basics of note reading. Needless to say, I excelled despite my lack of background in music. My teacher even asked me to help her check our test papers. It was there I was first popped with the question that lingers through me today.

Finally in high school, everybody kept talking about Pachelbel's Canon. I'm not sure why but I think it was because of the Korean movie "My Sassy Girl" which Canon was played in one scene. I did find Canon to be heart-warming and relaxing, addictive even. Even my brother, the one who had no interest in teaching me the piano, was addicted to it. He learned by ear a different version of Canon through a CD that our mother bought. From thereon, whenever he would play Canon, I was always nearby, trying to watch which keys his fingers would press. First I tried to play the piece with only the right hand and fill up the parts I didn't learn from him by ear. Slowly but surely, I began filling in the left hand as well. After several weeks, I could finally play the whole piece with both hands. It was the very first piece that I actually finished learning and was also the last, so far at least. I learned how to play other pieces too, but have never actually found the time to finish learning them.

Now in college, I wonder how things could've been so different if I had the right to say "yes" to that question. But I think I am already a little too late to commit myself to it.

THE GUITAR AND THE DRUMS

I was a freshman in my high school when I remembered that all three of my brothers formed their own band when they were still in high school, so I felt obliged to do the same. I went on to my friend who was good at playing the guitar and offered him the idea of starting a band. Originally I was supposed to be the drummer even though at that time I did not have one single idea on how to play the drums. All hell broke loose when we were asked to play on stage to represent the freshmen in an event. We only had about one hour to practice a song and the presentation was the day after we were told. Well you can imagine what happened next. We made a fool of ourselves, especially me. I mean, what do you think did I do on stage from the fact that I didn't know how to play the drums? It was one of my worst memories ever.

After that, I did not pursue my passion for drums. Instead, I learned how to play the guitar. My brother, the one who taught me the do re mi on the piano, taught me the basic chords and told me to learn a few songs. So I did, and the rest that I have learned about the guitar has been self-taught, except for the pentatonic scale, which one of my college friends taught me. For years I have considered the guitar as my primary musical instrument even up to now. I did eventually taught myself how to play the basic rhythm of the drums later in my freshman year, just not too passionate about it though, considering the bad memories.

THE PRESENT

During my high school years, with regards to music, I have only limited myself into learning songs by ear, not realizing that there was more to music than what I originally thought. It was not up until now that I've realized that music was not just some collection of random vibrations in the air that sounded good. It was really something that had a system and that there was a reason why playing specific notes on a specific song wouldn't sound terrible. It was this realization of my ignorance towards music that have lead me to think that I have been haunted since long ago by that question.

As I continue to play the piano and my beloved guitar that I named "Diane", I can't help but wonder of the things I could do with these two instruments if I had learned more about music before. What my capabilities could've been as a real musician. If ever our paths cross and you see me play one of these instruments, most likely you would ask me, "Have you taken guitar/piano lessons?". I would definitely say "no", but you just don't know how I wish I could have had the right to say "yes".